Most of us can probably remember from our childhood the excitement we felt going to bed the night before our birthday or of piling into the car and setting off on a family holiday.

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In these cases the anticipation of something happening was all part of the thrill, our excitement levels rising as the intended outcome (a birthday party with lots of presents or a week building sandcastles on the beach) came nearer and nearer.

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Things work differently when it comes to writing action scenes in fiction. Here we want to focus on what has happened, rather than what a character has done in order to make it happen.

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We can see how this works in the examples below.

 

Pete raised his fists to strike the intruder. The man fell to the ground.

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Susan hit the brakes to stop the car abruptly. She glared at Steve.

 

Duncan switched on the kettle to make a cup of tea. He sat down with it and reflected on what Trish had said.

 

The highlighted words show how we have used the infinitive form of the respective verbs in order to show the action.

There are two problems with this.

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First, it puts the focus on the preparations for the action rather than the action itself, lessening the impact. We don’t actually see Pete strike the intruder, Susan hit the brakes or Duncan make a cup of tea; we simply see the characters preparing to do these things. (Making a cup of tea might not be the most dramatic thing in the world – but it’s still an improvement on someone preparing to make one!)

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Second, it increases the narrative distance between the reader and the character. Rather than seeing everything the character sees, the reader is yanked out of this viewpoint before the action and returned there after it has happened. This risks lessening the engagement the reader feels with the fictional world.

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Let’s look at how we could revise the examples to resolve these problems.

 

Pete raised his fists and struck the intruder. The man fell to the ground.

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Susan hit the brakes and stopped the car abruptly. She glared at Steve.

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Duncan switched the kettle on and made a cup of tea. He sat down with it and reflected on what Trish had said.

 

We can see how these sentences flow much better than the originals. We are with the characters all the way and see the action rather than the preparation. In grammatical terms we have replaced an infinitive verb (to strike, to stop, to make) with a conjunction (and) and a verb (struck, stopped, made).

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Even so we might still see room for improvement. While Pete raising his fists and Susan hitting the brakes are dramatic images we might want to retain, Duncan switching on the kettle is rather less exciting. We might want to revise the final sentence to:

 

Duncan made a cup of tea. He sat down with it and reflected on what Trish had said.

 

Don’t mess with viewpoint when describing action in novels

Another problem with using the infinitive is that you may end up head-hopping between narrative viewpoints.

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Take this example:

 

I turned into an alley and ran at breakneck speed only to find myself at a dead end. Footsteps. As I backed up against a rubbish skip, he walked slowly towards me, relishing the moment.

 

This action is told from the viewpoint of the person being chased – and yet at the end they are able to tell us about their pursuer’s state of mind.

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Some authors may try to fix this simply by changing it to:

 

I turned into an alley and ran at breakneck speed only to find myself at a dead end. Footsteps. As I backed up against a rubbish skip, he walked slowly towards me, appearing to relish the moment.

 

This avoids head-hopping as the viewpoint character is now reporting only what they can observe rather than claiming to know what their pursuer is thinking. The problem is that ‘appearing to relish’ is a rather wishy-washy phrase which lacks drama and tells rather than shows us what is happening.

 

It would be much better to write:

 

I turned into an alley and ran at breakneck speed only to find myself at a dead end. Footsteps. As I backed up against a rubbish skip, he walked slowly towards me, a cruel smile on his face.

 

Viewpoint is still maintained but the pursuer is described in a more vivid and definite way. Previously, he only appeared to be relishing the moment. This time we know for sure that he had a cruel smile on his face. This leaves readers to deduce for themselves that the pursuer is relishing the moment – drawing them further into the fictional world and its characters.

 

When it’s okay to use the infinitive in describing action in novels

There are times when it is appropriate to keep the infinitive form of the verb because we want to put the focus on the preparation:

 

Geoff went for a long walk on the beach to give himself time to think.

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Vanessa double-checked all the figures to make sure her suspicions were correct.

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I’m going to Australia to see my grandma.

 

It’s important to keep a sharp eye out for unnecessary uses of infinitives in describing action scenes. Focusing on the preparation rather than the action lessens the drama, the flow and, ultimately, reader engagement. Always think carefully before removing the infinitive, though, as there are times when we want to put the emphasis on the preparation.

 

Before and after

A common error among less experienced fiction writers is the overuse of the words ‘before’ and ‘after’ when describing action.

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As with the overuse of 'suddenly' (discussed in the section on keeping up the tension) this adds unnecessary words and potentially pulls the reader out of the story.

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Let’s look at the following example:

 

Bill jumped from the tree, landed heavily on the forest floor and dived for cover in the undergrowth.

 

This is a sharp, pacey sentence which should leave the reader immersed in Bill's story and his dramatic actions. It’s fine as it stands – but perhaps the author is worried that the sentence structure is too plain. Maybe they can add interest and variety by using ‘before’:

 

Bill jumped from the tree, landing heavily on the forest floor before diving for cover in the undergrowth.

 

Or even:

 

Bill jumped from the tree. After landing heavily on the forest floor he dived for cover in the undergrowth.

 

There are three problems with these versions:

1. The reader may be offended that you have spelled out something that is obvious. Of course Bill landed on the forest floor before diving for cover. Did the writer not think they could work that out?   

2. The author has now focused undue attention on the chronology of Bill's actions. In the first version, the chronology was implicit; the writer didn’t spell out that Bill landed before diving for cover but it was still clear that this was the case. The reader could assimilate that knowledge almost without realising and without being drawn out of the narrative. By explicitly stating that Bill landed before diving for cover, the author is now putting added emphasis on the order that things happened – and the reader may be thinking about that rather than the actions themselves.

3. The drama of Bill landing heavily on the forest floor is diluted. Rather than being a key moment in its own right, it now acts more as a precursor to him diving for cover.

 

In some cases it may be that the author is motivated to use ‘before’ or ‘after’ because of genuine concerns that the chronology is not clear.

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Let’s suppose that our friend Bill has managed to get out of the forest and walk to a nearby town:

 

Bill walked up to the police station, dusted himself down and went inside.

 

The chronology of this sentence seems straightforward, but perhaps the author is worried. Will the reader realise that Bill only began dusting himself down after he walked up to the station and stopped before going inside?

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The author changes it to:

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Bill walked up to the police station. After dusting himself down he went inside.

 

Or even:

 

After walking up to the police station, Bill dusted himself down before going inside.

 

We can see how, especially in the second example, everything that Bill is doing takes a back seat to the order in which he is doing it.

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The irony is that, in their desire to ensure the reader experiences the narrative exactly as intended, the author is actually dragging them out of the story – forcing them to make a conscious effort to assimilate information they would otherwise have absorbed instinctively. 

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Too much of this in a book and the reader may well be feeling frustrated and patronised – not the ideal state of mind for someone you hope will finish this book and buy your next one.

 

When it’s okay to use before and after in a novel

A major reason to be wary of using ‘before’ and ‘after’ is that it can dilute the drama. There may be times, though, when this is the exact effect you are seeking.

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In the example below, Tracey is clearly feeling unfulfilled, and the use of before and after underlines this.

 

The moment Tracey woke she knew what the day had in store. After dropping the kids at school, she would do the shopping, washing, drying and ironing before picking them back up again.

 

Great care should be taken when using before and after to ensure you are really using them in an appropriate context. And the more you avoid 'before' and 'after' in general, the greater impact they will have when you do use them for specific reasons.

 

Describing action in novels: Conclusion

Using the infinitive of verbs or words such as ‘before’ and ‘after’ can dilute your action scenes and lessen their dramatic impact. While there are exceptions, it is very important to be sure that the use of such language is appropriate in each particular case.

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